I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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