I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We don't watch enough power rangers
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
