"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
