I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
