i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
