Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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