Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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