I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize