I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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