Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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