who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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