Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
