true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I miss vodka workout Fridays
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
