This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
