I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you will always have a special place in my vag
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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