Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
