The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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