I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
