new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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