the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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