I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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