Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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