drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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