btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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