My underwear smells like fireworks.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
