oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
And the cops told us we were all naked.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
