this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
