i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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