He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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