arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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