Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
