wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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