If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
