New low: just hacked my moms facebook
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
