I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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