My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
