My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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