WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Randomize
