Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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