Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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