I hate all girls vehemently.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
