just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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