The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
