I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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