just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
