So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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