so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just want to make out with him forever
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
