smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
