so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
