fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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