Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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