I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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