i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
