if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
