I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
