Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
