Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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